Limon Partido

Boundary lines in pleasant places.....

2011-03-28T21:43:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling grateful, I think you often see that I write when I am sad or when I feel incredibly blessed. I won't apologize for it, I admire my own ability to empathize with others. It's my gift.... the gift of my heart breaking when I see so many others broken or sharing my own disillusions. I like that I take sentimental risks, that I'm not afraid of vulnerability. I think I'm beginning to understand that if I take risks, they leave me vulnerable and at times those risks scar me. But if I never did risk,...if I became so afraid....so guarded, I would eventually become a bitter, distrustful soul and I wasn't created for that. I was created for wonder, for risks, to enjoy beauty, to experience the entire gamut of emotions without fear of retribution or shame. It opens me up for endless opportunities to grow, to gain wisdom and to love.

It's at times like these that I catch myself staring at my oldest daughter... a child, in the infancy of her womanhood. I see the way the light shines in those dark eyes, so soulful, making me want to make sure that she remembers mine. Her hair gleams in the sun, lazily laying down her back reminding me that she is a girl-child, morphing. She knows what it's like to still be vulnerable, to take risks, to live in the moment, to cry, to long for comfort and get excited over the tiniest detail. As we grow, we develop walls, barricades, boundaries against those things that cause us pain or just because we learn that some paths are not prudent. I hope to teach her that boundaries are good, walls and barricades are not. That she can look to me to help her define them without losing the magic in letting her soul breathe. If I can't help her, I want her to have faith in her savior, in his grace. He will guide her, speak to her heart and let her experience joy in that unencumbered way that she lives ever present in the moment of now, to continue to wonder, to understand that love is not an emotion..it's a state of being. It's extending grace to others, it's compassionately feeling the joy, happiness or heartbreak of others. I hope that my daughters learn that boundaries are pleasant, necessary, they guard their heart, just to keep their hearts tender and vulnerable to the plights of others.

What I didn't know....

2011-03-22T21:17:00.001-04:00

If you know me, you know that I'm divorced. A situation that I did not want to find myself in, but here I am and I survived it nonetheless. It's been almost 3 years soon and there are discoveries that I did not know I would make.

I did not know that Loneliness would be the only one kissing me at night
I did not know that my heart could love someone again
I did not know that sleeping alone could be comforting
I did not know that friends and other activities could temporarily fill the void
I did not know that the wound gets salted each time I see other 4 member families
I did not know that this would become "normal" for my daughters
I did not know that saying I was single felt better than saying I'm divorced
I did not know that my "free" weekends would become something I looked forward to
I did not know that those family stickers on the back of cars would cause nostalgia
I did not know that I actually did build visions of forever and ever in my head
I did not know that I would ache for companionship
I did not know that I redefining me would be challenging and fun
I did not know that I could light up my own fireplace,...not my own fire... :)
I did not know that Ikea furniture was so easy to put together
I did not know that I would look forward to my bike rides on my own
I did not know that men get hurt too
I did not know that one day...out of the blue, the pain fades..
I did not know that peonies give me everlasting hope that love exists..
I did not know that keeping a "brave" list...would make me braver...
I did not know that I would fall deeper in love with my daughters because they rescue me..
I did not know that I would wear "grace" well...

That whole things get better with time part.. its true... you get better, you find yourself, you lose yourself....then you find yourself again... Life is a Journey...

Ode to Alejandro Fernandez.....

2011-03-10T20:25:00.005-05:00

There's a song in Spanish that I just came across by one of my favorite artists ~ Alejandro Fernandez ~ No lo Beses, literally, don't kiss him. Of course, I took some liberties and translated the jist of the lyrics and changed the "he" parts to "she" so that it would make sense to me... Enjoy!

You know, I won't hold you back...go. You don't want to talk about it and and you believe you won't be back. You want to leave and spread your wings.

It's human nature and I won't try to stop you. After all, life is like that, you want want to taste other kisses or other ways of loving. It's natural and I don't blame you. I understand that you want that experience and I bless the next person and the one after that. I can't stop you and some may think that I'm crazy for letting you go with no anger, no hard feelings. But I know that leaving is part of coming back.

Just don't kiss her the way that you kiss me. Don't touch her the way that you touch me, don't look at her the way that you look at me. Don't caress her the way that you caress me..Because you'll remember me.....

Clear as mud.....

2011-02-26T20:33:00.005-05:00

All is not what it seems...I don't know how many times I've heard that over the years. Haven't we all misstepped, misjudged and at some point become desperate, grasping, and justifying all kinds of things? Then once we "get" them, those same things rule us? This can be applied to tangible and non tangible things, of wishes, of wanting, of desires that you fill only to make that void bigger, vast, insatiable.

I've watched myself do this over and over again. I might be at the point where I recognize it, but still I justify, feel entitled to whatever it is that I am seeking, but I believe that at times, I am stronger or have more courage. Right now, I am watching, observing someone I love do this...and what do I do? Nothing, I don't lecture, I don't admonish. I wait. I wait for them to realize that that hunger, that ache? Is something else, a void that they can't fill by succumbing to it. I'm clearly detailing something more intangible, nothing tangible.

The question I've wrestled with is what do I do? What should I do? Should I insist on talking about it? How the emptiness is really some other loss that you feel? That you shouldn't remain passive and just succumb, become desperate and grasp at nothing but you believe is everything? No, I just love them, accept them, wish and pray for them. I need more courage to tell them again and again, no you don't you pursue what you think you need, ....you weep, mourn, drown yourself in the sorrow of what you know is gone.....soak in it...then you lament....surrender and accept that what you are looking for is gone ...gone for good. When you do that, that seeking, clutching, aiming is gone.. that desire is at rest, it opens doors for all that is true and good.......

Hello Fear......

2010-12-06T22:22:00.002-05:00

Hello Fear,

I sat across from you today. The minute that my father called and starting jokingly asking where I've been. He knows that I live in Atlanta and its been snowing (an unlikely event) for the past three days and I been home, fighting cabin fever. Unbeknownst to me, my father checked himself into a clinic and was rushed via ambulance to a hospital. My father had chest pains and may have suffered a minor heart attack. He just had surgery yesterday to have two stints placed in his heart.

What you need to know is that my father is only 62 years old, that he is extremely healthy and is fit, that our family has no history of heart conditions or any other serious medical conditions. He has never smoked, always eaten healthy, been active daily and maybe has 4 beers a year...yes, a year. He was born in a Spanish speaking country, moved to the US and picked celery as his first job, then moved from a warm clime to a cold clime to work 6 days a week for 35 years. My mother and his wife died from breast cancer when we were just children and my father made the very hard decision to send us children to our grandparents to be raised, ...thousands miles away from him, while he struggled with the aftermath of a death, living in a foreign country and away from any family members. I have letters where my father wrote,...short, illegible letters telling us how hard he was working to get us children back, but that we had to wait until I was of age to take care of my younger siblings. The letters had silly little words to songs that told us how much he missed us and loved us. I love my father....he is a good, strong, loving man. Yes, extremely strict and I may post more on this later, but my father is my rock, my anchor, my own personal victory party.

Then you might understand how my world is trembling, how fear has made me realize how fragile it all is. I was outside making snowman with my daughters, sweeping the sprinkles that my daughters left on the counter tops and my father was in some hospital far away facing the scariest moment of his life and I was none the wiser. I am already an orphan... not really, but as a woman raising children of her own, I have struggled with age old questions and answers that a girl would normally get from her mother. But, I've always had my father, he hasn't been able to answer what color clothes I wore home from the hospital or how old I was when I first walked or said my first words. He was there when I had to go with him to buy my first bra, pads and hairspray. He monitored my phone calls, chaperoned my high school dates and taught me that a woman with grace is ever more beautiful than one with just beauty on her side.

But today, I thank you Fear, thanks for humbling me, thank you for reminding me of the fragility of life, thank you for the deep appreciation that he is well, that all will be well. Thank you for the intensity of my emotions, thank you for stepping aside and letting Grateful take your place.

Gypsy Hippie Chicken Monger.....

2010-10-21T15:20:00.003-04:00

Good news! My county approved an ordinance where I can have chickens in my backyard! Um, yeah! Call me strange, but as a girl that grew up on an island, in a yellow tin house with chickens all around... I kinda like the idea. My neighbors? Maybe not so much...

Farm fresh eggs anyone? I can even tell you how to determine which eggs are going to be female chickens and which ones roosters, before they hatch. A trick taught to me by my grandfather. Gracias Abuelito! You never want too many roosters. First they wake up way too early and they are aggressive bunch.

The eggs have to be under the hen for about two days before you can tell. You usually would not be able to tell with eggs from your grocery store because they take them away much too quickly for you to be able to tell. But if you are curious...this is how you would know.

If you take an egg up to a bright light, like the sun, say for instance...... look for the yolk, concentrate by looking right at the top of the yolk. If you see a space resembling a bubble directly on top of the yolk. It will be a boy!!! A rooster.

If you notice the bubble of air on top of the yolk, sits on its side (either left or right) it will be a girl! or a chicken or hen! See! I could be a certified Gypsy Hippie Chicken Monger and I would seal my reputation in the neighborhood by wearing an apron and share eggs, much like people who share their tomatoes or squash.

Yeah...Gypsy Hippie Chicken Monger..has a nice ring to it!

Letter to my Daughter.....

2010-10-21T14:37:00.002-04:00

To my daughter, my first born, today you turn 11...you are at that age where you still love me like a child and push me away like a rebel. You smiled at me today and your mouth is full of braces, but all I see is that gummy smile when you figured out how to get out of your crib. My heart breaks at the absolute joy you bring me and fills with nothing but wishes and promises that you will have it better than me, that life won't hurt you because I am your mama.

I know that I can't control lots of things ....more importantly that I can't control you or your circumstances. I do believe in fate, I believe in the magical and I believe that you are one of my most precious gifts. I hope that your trials, your falls, your hurts will all be lessened because I wish that with every single ounce of my being. I wish you joy unmeasured, happiness unaltered and memories that feed your soul. For you, my precious, beautiful girl, know that your mama loves you above all things and unconditionally. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making my heart swell with the love of you.

Mama

Happiness and uncertainty....

2010-09-26T23:13:00.002-04:00

Ever feel like you are happy but somehow you might not deserve it? It might not be intended for you, but you are just catching a whiff of it while it's on it's way to sit on someone else's doorstep? Kinda like you are in a bakery and you know that all you are taking with you is a fresh loaf of bread but you smell the cinnamon rolls instead?

I have struggled with that feeling for months, questioning, bargaining, and negotiating it's stay and it's elusive arrival. I'm content... content with my life, where I stand right now, content that my daughters love me and suffer no apparent lack of attention or affections. Excited about the potential of this week, confident that I am lovable, overjoyed at a milestone that someone else will be hitting. When I feel like this, I see everything in amazingly vivid colors, no structure or boundaries. I'm convinced it's here to stay, I've paid the piper, I am somehow deserving. I am surrendering to grace. It's found me.

Work related oops......

2010-09-26T23:11:00.000-04:00

So....can I tell you how I learned about ESC key? First let me tell you that I use a computer everyday at work, secondly you would think that I would have learned about the ESC key before but no....I work all day, I blog when I can, I consider myself pretty average at the computer stuff. I still have lots to learn.

So envision this, I work at a non profit, therefore, the big kahunas, especially the biggest kahuna is usually in the office and we all know when she is there. (Yes, she is a she, I'm not a feminist or anything but I love to see woman in top positions, it inspires me) I may see her rarely, like speaking to a group or the other big kahunas, but I am a middle management girl and my biggest opportunity to interact with her might be getting a chance to say "Good Morning" in the elevator. You get the picture, right?

Well, almost a year ago...(yes, I kinda remembered the date, as the day I almost "passed out" at work, or the day I could have lost my job), a friend sent me an email joke, a dirty email, the kind with moaning and grunting. At that precise moment, Mrs. President/CEO walks right up to my desk to ask a question ....and I can't stop the video....yep, folks, she was talking to me while my computer made strange sounds and I could not stop it. I tried everything, my system got "stuck", my face turned red, I blurted apologies while trying to listen to the question and find the volume control.

After gathering myself, I tell my story to a coworker that I adore. You know what he tells me, "Why didn't you use the ESC key? You know the one in the upper left hand corner of all computers" That my friends is how another friend taught me about that key and how I will forever wonder if our big kahuna still thinks I am the idiot with the moaning computer?

Imagination more exquisite......

2010-07-05T21:26:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, and only sometimes do I think my imagination is more vivid, more exquisite than reality, beautiful things inspire me, they make my heart swell, make me content with all that I have. Beauty in people, ....often times, witnessing the exchange of energy between actions, words and feelings. I know that sometimes there's just ugliness, but if you look beyond the ugly, you see people in pain, carrying a burden that poisons their soul. It reminds me of fragility of spirit and that if consider that they carry sorrows of which I have no idea, I aspire to become a kinder, more compassionate person.

I imagine that mist raising off a river is a personal sign to welcome the newness of each day, I imagine that trails that I ride on anticipate my arrival and ready the air to caress my face and watch over my path. I imagine that animals can see beyond what their eyes tell them, the data they take in, they feel peoples intentions and react accordingly. I dream in color and vivid emotions saturate them. I would not change any of my imaginings into the harsh reality that people are guided by, as I believe the world and it's surroundings are much more exquisite when you look beyond.

Pantless Party Weekend......

2010-05-26T20:24:00.003-04:00

Yes, it's official, it's right around the corner, ...the 1st weekend where it's acceptable to walk around without pants...

Get your mind out the gutter, I mean, with just bathing suit bottoms, people. Memorial weekend is upon us and I just put my flag out to honor the men and women who serve this country and fight for my safety, peace and general well being.

In anticipation of this weekend, we tried on our old bathing suits and they FIT! Well, everyone, except my oldest who at age 10 is wearing my shoes and tops and all my accessories. So, she got a new, Peace, Love and Happiness bathing suit...and that my friends makes me happy. We will be at birthday parties, pool parties and eating as much grilled food items that we can. Only if the weather holds out, so far things don't look good, so I am plotting a plan B for the weekend. Can someone talk to the weather gods and let them know that we here in this Southern state have not experienced beautiful spring/summer like weather on any weekend so far? I mean yes, during the work week, I've bore witness to amazingly beautiful skies, cotton candy clouds and breezes that kiss my face. But the weekend...nothing but rain embracing me.

Here's to a Pantless Party Weekend folks!

Love is.....

2010-05-11T23:00:00.003-04:00

... kids that buy used rusty serving platters from your crappy neighbor and lovingly wrap as your Mother's day present
... boys that love camping, blowing bubbles and tents
... ex's that fix stuff in your house
... people that love that hair washing scene in "Out of Africa"
... friends that pretend that all is well publicly and know you are falling apart inside
... peonies
... "mama, I love you because"....notes
... teachers that encourage kids to be kind and considerate
... friends that hold your hair while you get sick in a public bathroom
... the grocery boy who loads my bags in my trunk
... swirly, whirly cupcakes
... shoes that make me feel like Heidi Klum
... cinnamon french toast
... the sun shining through white curtains
... the sound of roots and rocks under my bike's tires
... the slap, slap of my paddle on the water
... star filled nights and full moons
... rain on window panes
... young Burt Reynolds
... warm breezes on my face
... a list that could go on forever....

I am grateful ....still....

Translucent Air Balloons.....

2010-04-12T19:54:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I've been studying.. obviously not blogging, although I promised to post more. One thing I can tell you is that I've begun dreaming again, which means that I've been sleeping well and not stewing in my angst, though, I've had plenty of opportunity for that too.

But back to dreams....

Dreams...usually I dream in color, sometimes just shades of gray. Sometimes I dream in Spanish but sadly, mostly in English. Sometimes, I dream about the present, many times I dream about the past. Sometimes I dream about people, things and places I love, mostly I dream about people, things and places that I miss. Sometimes, my dreams are stories but most times they are just bizarre compilations of current events and fears.

But several weeks ago, I dreamt that I was looking at air balloons. You have to understand, I have a fascination with kites and air balloons, I guess anything that has to do with flights of fancy or moons and stars.

In this dream, I saw air balloons with many different designs but no color, at varying distances and heights. I could see the shapes and outlines of the intended designs, but yet no designs....and I remember feeling mesmerized. Awed. When I awoke from the dream, I remember thinking that this was a sign. A sign to consider designs that I can influence. Yes, there is a plan and paths are there for my choosing, but the colors, I can choose the way I see things. My perspective is the one that I want, the one I can influence. Everything in life is a gift and if I can look at everything from that vantage point, I will realize that colors are available for my choosing and my interpretation.

Because I can.....

2010-03-15T21:57:00.005-04:00

I'm back...I know, y'all are tired of seeing that, I'm back, but not really. I am seriously convinced that when one side of your life goes downhill (or so it seems) the other side convinces you that you can and will go on.

Case in point, If you've read at least some of my blog, you will find that I have been stuck in a deluge of emotions that are as winding as a roller coaster in a murky mirage.

I am up, I am down...then all around, and just to keep myself busy, I enroll in an online university class to obtain some certification that will enable me to make a career transition if the economy ever gets better. Yeah, you read that right, as if being a single mama, raising two girls and going through this period of adjustment wasn't enough. I go overboard, sign up for a class.

Trust me when I say that I admire all single parents...this is not easy, but I am certain that I am not the first, nor will I be the last. Being a parent isn't easy but its oh, so much fun, it's the most rewarding relationship I've ever had and it's made me crazy, sometimes impatient, infinitely more loving and appreciative. But studying...after hours? After my daughters go to sleep? This is absolutely kicking my tail and I thought I could do this. So I have just 6 more weeks of this chaos, 6 more weeks of studying during my lunch hour, 6 more weeks of reading and catching up on lectures after my girls go down. Because I am finally seeing the light, because I finally feel like my soul is shining, because I feel like I see open water ahead.....because I can.

Grounded.....

2010-02-25T23:01:00.001-05:00

I'm back...recovered...
like a bad alcoholic that can't believe they escaped the ordeal, only to know that they can be pulled back in by one sweet whiff of melancholy.

But seriously, I'm back on the wagon, promising myself that I will post more, learn how to link on my blog and expand my readership because it seems that I am quite popular with the Chinese porn crowd, as they keep posting unsolicited comments on one particular post. And those folks out there with a giraffe fetish? Seriously, stop it.

Once again life and it's rewards has grounded me and made me come back to this place where I display my pain, my joy and my insecurities with a bit of wayward dreamer built in...you know, just to keep things interesting. My daughters and I have been busy. Busy with life, getting on with the business of balancing Basketball, homework and long division. Dressing up for school book character days and offering strangers lightweight remorse disguised as Girl Scout cookies.

I look forward to better weather to go ride our bikes on mountain trails that challenge us to pick up our pace or stay out of the game, looking forward to the slap, slap of a paddle on the river. Here's hoping you are well too.....

New Moons....

2010-01-31T23:13:00.004-05:00

The moon tonight is hailed as the largest, brightest moon of 2010,..... and it is just beautiful...stunning really, traditionally called a Wolf Moon.

I've always been swayed by everything and anything in the night skies, moons, constellations, asteroids, meteors and planets. My daughters and I went out tonight to observe with the help of a telescope and check out Mars to the left.... couldn't quite see it, but they love telling me the constellations that they know and noting if the sky is overcast or not. I know that as I contemplate the skies and planets, I believe that there must be something else out there, we can't be the only planet next to a star that heats the planet and provides ideal conditions for life. I believe that God or whatever your spiritual belief is ....is much more majestic than that, as humans we don't even understand the depths of the ocean or the capabilities of our soul. How can we be sure that it's just us? That may just be a blog topic for another day.

What I can tell you is that moon provides me with the reassurance that time moves on, the ocean will follow, and tomorrow is a new day in my universe.....

Did I ever tell you?.......

2010-01-12T19:34:00.004-05:00

It's no secret, my blog reflects that my life has been in turmoil, by my own design and one day I might let you in on the depth of that sorrow which often grabs me and reminds me that I am but a small, small being in an incomprehensibly large universe. Thank goodness for good friends that remind me to look around and notice that my life is probably more beautiful than I deserve.

A recent example... while getting ready for work in the morning, I can often be heard coaching my daughters along reminding them to brush their teeth, put lotion on, wear socks, make their beds because the bus will be coming in about 4 minutes. Well, a few days ago, I heard my daughters arguing over a brush, (let's forget what two girls sound like arguing over a brush --THAT early in the morning) but the point is, that the daughter who is by nature more flexible, more forgiving, said to her stubborn, angry sister, "Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

I was stunned, silent, mute, rendered speechless....and I cried. I cried because, I've been crying, over things I can't change, histories and memories that are trampled and words that I believed to my soul. I have been trying to be brave, handle change with grace..yes, with dignity, and in all this I heard a small girl say to her sister, "Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

It was then that I realized, all is well, all will be well. This moment arguing with her sister did'nt matter, her sister was special, captivating even. ....And the flexible, forgiving one?....she is one fabulous bullshitter.

I believe....

2009-12-15T23:10:00.002-05:00

Because Christmas is almost here and my dear, sweet daughters who are 10 and 8 still believe in Santa Claus ( I think they say they do...so as not to break my heart.. :) ) I wanted to make a list of 25 things that I believe in.... enjoy...

1. I believe in the supernatural seeped in old traditions
2. I believe in navy blue skies, full of light
3. I believe that a child's total devotion...humbles you
4. I believe in acts of stunning generosity
5. I believe that dogs are the noblest creatures
6. I believe in roadside lemonade stands
7. I believe that when you stumble and fall, you make it part of your dance
8. I believe in prayers that are cried
9. I believe that an addiction to Wikipedia is a good thing
10. I believe that if people are overly judgemental about anything at all...they are hiding something
11. I believe in reading between the lines
12. I believe that you can imagine a lifetime of moments that will never happen
13. I believe in serendipity
14. I believe in the ebb and flow of the ocean
15. I believe that smiles often hide regrets
16. I believe in making your heart bigger than your ego
17. I believe that bunnies burp, fart and throw up
18. I believe in bravely facing your mistakes
19. I believe that trees, rivers, oceans and music are muses
20. I believe in the fragility of love
21. I believe in the beauty of being still
22. I believe that out of all emotions....hope dies last...
23. I believe when you hold someones hand...you also have their heart
24. I believe that people are good, kind, and captivating....just give them a chance...
25. I believe in Christmas mornings

Thankfulness....for not judging.....

2009-11-25T18:28:00.003-05:00

Just in time for Thanksgiving, I wanted to thank you, because I got some slack over the last sentence in my previous post. I too am feeling some regret. Because yes, someone hurt me, deliberately, almost determinedly, and yes, I want them to feel some sense of guilt (must be the catholic in me) or some remorse at hurting me. In all likelihood, they feel nothing at all, and that’s fine, I keep trying to find peace in that I was inconsequential.

I did not start my blog so that everyone can agree with my emotions, my thoughts, my experiences. It’s not a popularity contest. It’s one of my outlets, where I put my heart on paper, so to speak. Hopefully, I can do that without your judgement, just a nod of your head, that maybe you’ve been there.

My anger, my grief and even my own misplaced feelings of regret are emotions and nothing could be worse than feeling nothing at all. That would be incredibly frightening. I read somewhere that indifference is the opposite of love, because hate is still an emotion. A hidden hurt. If I felt indifferent to the pain, to the consequences, then I will not have lived…cannot love deeply. I revel in all the emotions that I feel, even this deep seated brokenness that has defined me over the last year and a half. All I wish for is tenderness to move on. And thunder as loud as rain. But offer no apologies.

Now that I've gotten that off my heart...I want to get back to the business of being thankful....

What I learned....

2009-11-03T13:42:00.005-05:00

I learned that sometimes you pay the highest price for a beautiful mistake...
I learned that when you love someone, it stays with you, you can't hide it or bury it...
I learned that when someone says that they love you, you believe it, even when you doubt it...
I learned that there is always more than meets the eyes, when you look deep into their soul....
I learned that it takes grace and tenderness to make your heart bigger than your ego......
I learned that you can imagine a lifetime of moments that will never happen....
I learned that hearts are resilient and forgiving....
I learned that words have the ability to absolutely crush all your feelings...
I learned that saying sorry sometimes eases the pain, but you won't forget how much it hurt...
I learned that you can be made the biggest fool and yet you still love.....
I learned that eventually the memories fade.....
I learned that you once you decide to pick up your broken wings, you can fly again...
I learned that friends will always come to your rescue....
I learned that joy will come and sit next to you, if you let her.....
I learned that "child, be still" ...still calms me....
I learned that hope dies last....
I learned that I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.....

Duh......

2009-10-15T20:59:00.002-04:00

While at my daughter's fourth grade play, her sister ( a 2nd grader) kept pointing out a boy on stage, named Evan.

I asked, "How do you know him? Is he in your class?

She said, "Why do you think we're at a fourth play?

Her dad (my ex) was sitting right next to me and burst out laughing and I could'nt help but laugh.

Duh!

Closure.....maybe.....

2009-10-14T05:50:00.002-04:00

I am grateful for soft, southern rain making music outside my window
I am grateful for deep, navy blue skies full of light
I am grateful for being so broken, that my heart became bigger
I am grateful that as time passes, you will become a fleeting thought with warm sentiments
I am grateful that love stays with the one you loved, you can't fold it into someone or something new
I am grateful that science can't explain how atoms and molecules dance to become people or memories
I am grateful that the pain that made me stagger, also made me pure and true
I am grateful that hearts are resilient and memories, forgiving
I am grateful that today is a new day in my universe

What marriage is.....

2009-09-03T22:34:00.003-04:00

Dear Internets...
First, I want to beg forgiveness for the weight and sadness in my last couple of posts...it's obvious that my heart has taken a pounding and the only way that I can mend the wounds is with words that let me express what I am feeling.

I will tell you what I have learned in the past two years, I learned that marriage is cumbersome, heavy. It's fabric between two people who have a history of feelings, of understandings and misunderstandings, of accidental support, of things mourned, celebrated and forgotten. It is made up of unintentional betrayals, gracious accommodation, and it survives despite neglect and insults, because it hopes. Hopes that the affection is stronger than the neglect, hopes that the misunderstandings are forgotten. It hopes that the shared memories are stronger than the weightless echo of distractions.

Often I think about what is harder, Marriage or Parenting. I wish I would have known, marriage is harder to maintain and nourish. As a parent, you will naturally care for your child always putting them first. You will cherish and nurture them. For the majority of us, it's part of our DNA, we do it naturally. However, we chose our partner, consciously made that effort, wanted to be with them, but when daily pressures enter the picture, they are the first person we forget. We don't feed or water the relationship and it can wither away. And when that begins to happen, you hope that the shared history brings you back, that the chemistry is still alive somewhere, that the neglect did not go too far. When it does, hope.

Reasons....

2009-08-31T13:25:00.002-04:00

...Because you've taken the poetry from my dreams...
...Because the brightest star in my sky no longer shines....
...Because shared history weighs more than an echo of an echo...
...Because I am learning how my heart behaves....
...Because my most sincere sentiment is tainted...
...Because that space is filled with regret...
...Because I cry like a child in the dark...
...Because my heart is bruised....
...Because I want joy to grow in place of the hurt...
...Because the silence paralyzes me...

Despite all this, I long for you...

Finger Afros.....

2009-08-13T14:48:00.002-04:00

OK…so you have picture of what my life is like….

The girls get home on the bus….clamoring for ice cream cones as an after school treat…

Then, the first thing my 2nd grader says to me… (While she has one of those black foamy things that look like they go on the ear part of a doctor’s stethoscope)

“Mama…look at my finger afro”

Can life be any funnier?

How they rescue me ....plus make my belly hurt...

2009-08-04T21:38:00.005-04:00

I have been absent for some time, I know. It seems that I have alot that's been going on but really I have been trying to find words or the courage to explain. I will get to it one day and hopefully you won't judge me.
But, today, and everyday, I am grateful for my daughters who are my personal brand of comic relief.

For example,
...my seven year old informed me that Youtube has a farting version of Jingle Bells.. (why did I SO laugh out loud? and how did she know?...they do not have much access to the old 'puter)
...school just started yesterday and the "story" about her summer included the following last sentence... "I was just screaming, not crying, while I was at it, I lost a tooth and I got two quarters" describing the epic motor scooter accident.
....I loved watching my 9 year old and 7 year old rinse dishes and load the dishwasher today...
....they then fed the dog, the cat, the hamster and the turtle.... my heart sighed....
....my oldest told me that when she grows up she "want to be just like you..when I'm that old" :)
...they can't fathom the joy when I recognize pieces of me in them

Not my proudest moment....

2009-07-21T22:47:00.005-04:00

OK Internets... I have a confession....I yelled at a kid and told him "I will kick your a%$".

But first let me explain...

If you haven't read any of my previous posts, you need to know that I am the mother of two wonderful daughters. My oldest is absolutely "stunning", "a real beauty"...seriously..people tell me all the time. It's not just my biased opinion. :) She is also extremely sensitive, and is generally the biggest pushover I have ever met in my life. I spend a large amount of time making sure that she expresses her emotions and not let her friends take advantage of her sensitive nature.

You have to understand, I am feisty and when pushed in life, my first reaction is, push back. Over the years, I have tried to tame that tendency and pride myself on handling things with grace. Well, she has told me that a young man has been picking on her ... you know, pulling her hair, taking the ball away from her (things boys do when they like girls). I just let her know to let her camp counselors know and that they will handle...AFTER I encouraged her to stick up for herself. SO...... the other day the kid kicks her ....HARD....hard enough that her ankle was bruised and swollen. I was livid. I asked her what she did and she told me....SHE KICKED HIM BACK...I was proud...until she told me that he then kicked her harder still. Then she told the camp counselor.

I, called the camp. Please keep in mind, I do not like to be a hover parent, I want my daughters to learn to handle things on their own. But I did, I called. Filed a complaint, so to speak. The next day she comes back tells me the kid is still picking on her and she is afraid of him

Two days pass...

When I am dropping the girls off at camp, my girls tell me the car ahead of me is the car that belongs to the infamous bully who beats up on girls. When I see the boy...I go ape shit..... He is about 5' tall and looks like he weighs about 130 pounds. I am only 5'2" and don't weigh that much, clearly this is a big boy and a bully. So what do I do..... I try to wave the car down, but when it didn't slow down...I address the boy directly. I yelled, and I quote....."Hey...I am so and so's mom and you have been kicking her and picking on her...and if you don't stop...I will kick your ass"

Yep, internets...not my proudest moment... Then the mom stops and backs up her truck and asks what is going on. I pull to the side, get out of my car with all my Latina temper flaring and we get into it. I can tell that this mom is Jamaican. We're both from the Caribbean so, naturally, tempers flare. I ask her what kind of man she is raising. She tells me she hasn't heard anything from the camp counselors, but (rightfully so) tells me that I need to address things with her directly. I admittedly tell her that she is right, but if it continues, I will hold her accountable and will tell my daughter to kick her son where it counts.

Let me paint a picture. I am on my way to work...looking very executive looking, white slacks, black top, heels, you know the picturesque picture of a working mom. When all of the sudden, I am out of my car, arguing with another mom. Again, not my proudest moment...by the end of the day, I had a conversation with the Camp Director, who wanted to talk to me about the "incident" in the morning. I apologized for addressing the child, but advised him that I did not apologize for confronting the mother, and that I would do it again it the situation warranted it. In the end, I talked to my daughters and told them that is was not the way that I should have handled the situation, that I would have preferred to have things work out smoother and leave it in the hands of those in command. However...in the back of my mind, I am glad that they also see a clear example of not being afraid to push back, to defend themselves and to get loud ...if they have to. (just don't ever threaten kids younger than yourself....that's being a bully and mommy was one today)

Hover Parenting.....

2009-06-07T19:33:00.002-04:00

One of the biggest disparities that I see with the way I was raised and that style that is encouraged by most parents of this generation is what I call "hover parenting" or usually referred to as Helicopter parenting. Now parents don't get mad at me. I am, by no means a slacker parent, there are areas where I am totally all over my daughters and perhaps should back off. I am just talking about the freedoms that I had while I was outside playing.

The home I grew up in was near a river and it was my muse. My toys were kites, coffee beans, and frogs. Practical jokes consisted of hiding in mango trees and smashing really ripe bananas between notebooks. Today my daughters have a few pine trees in our backyard that they call the "forest". We have hung a hammock in the forest and they have created trails and designed their own wildlife refuge which consists of lizards that they have named, trapped, categorized (with a Sharpie) and set free.... I love that they do this and that they have this opportunity. Although we also participate in team sports, school activities, and Girl Scouts, most of the activities are monitored so that no feelings get hurt and complicated scenarios are handed over to authority figures to smooth over. I like that my girls can go outside and they work out any disagreements, they use their own imagination and develop an appreciation for nature around them. Now if it were only legal for them to fight over who gets to lay in the back window of the car.....

The ocean that knows me....

2009-06-04T19:09:00.005-04:00

My daughters are spending their customary month in Puerto Rico between their father's family and mine. I miss them terribly but hope they cherish the memories they are invariably building with our families since this is the only time they can spend time with cousins and immersed into our language, culture and food.

I will be joining them soon and can't wait until I get to spend time with my family, we don't usually do anything special but just hang out and let the kids play while we cook and reminisce. There are things that I miss and I can't wait to get back to...

Slow moving rivers
The juiciest mangos
Paying respects to my grandparents
The swaying of palm trees
Salty and sweet evening breezes
Music that moves my soul
Dreams of my families laughter
An ocean that knows me

Nostalgia is that spiritual starvation that makes you yearn for a person, a country or a feeling. And I wait.....

Still waters......

2009-05-21T22:16:00.009-04:00

Often, not very often but often enough, I catch myself daydreaming when I look at older folks or older couples. I don't even know if day dreaming is the right word, but I look at their faces and their hands, their mannerisms and their hair and I wonder...truly wonder what they may have looked like as children? I always try to picture them with dresses and braids, socks and shorts.

I have a very tender spot in my heart for older men and women, I do. My friends know it, my family knows it, my daughters know it. In one of my past jobs, my coworkers knew if there ever was a problem with anyone above say...the age of 60 and gravely voiced...I would do anything in my power to appease the "ancient gods". So much so, that they knew that if they needed me to stand firm on a decision...please do not ask her to do it...she won't, she flusters and fails. Not so true for just the general population, I was one tough chica. I have an automatic, ingrained respect and admiration for all of them...even the ones that inundate the roads in South Florida and cause havoc and ill will where ever they go.

I think this comes from the fact that from the time I was 7 or 8 years old, my grandparents in Puerto Rico raised me and my sister and brother. My grandfather taught me to love Telenovelas and Boxing. He fixed my broken kites....every time. My grandmother taught me to sew and cook, she caressed my hair and my wounds. There was never another woman more beautiful than her, no one who had kinder eyes and a sharper wit than my grandfather. I still have a grandmother who makes me belly laugh with stories of nursing home romances and soggy slop for food. I see them in my mind's eye and I see bits and pieces of them in me, in my daughters and I wonder what is their story under those still waters?

The Best Lover

2009-05-10T21:26:00.005-04:00

I absolutely love today....my girls woke me up with presents that their lovely teachers helped them to come up with and they were the best ailments to a broken heart. My oldest created a book at school with pages where she had to describe me. The best question and answer?.... (thank you for asking) :) Let's not get into the appropriateness of the question to a third grade class...that's for a totally different post.

When you begin to date, what will your mom say to you?
Her answer.... "choose carefully"

Does my girl know me or does she know me?

My youngest also wrote on the last page of her book that she "... love my mommy, because she is the best lover"

Clearly.....

No habra nadie......

2009-05-03T21:07:00.003-04:00

Maybe it's just the rain today, but this song has played over and over in my head all day today.

...No habra nadie en el mundo que cure la herida que dejo tu orgullo...y yo no comprendo que tu me lastimes...con todo...con todo el amor que tu me diste...

....There isn't anyone in the world that will be able to cure the wound left by your pride....and I can't understand that you would hurt me...with all...all the love that you once had for me...

....lyrics to "No Habra Nadie en el Mundo" by Buika.

A day in the life...

2009-05-01T11:41:00.003-04:00

A good friend asked, what my typical day is like and I didn't know what to answer...because I do have typical days...but the moments are all so different. So, in an effort to paint a picture of my typical day...I will recount my evening last night. Thursday night, is typically the one night of the week that I do not have after work/school activities with my daughters but it's busy nonetheless.

5:30 -6:30 Prepare dinner
6:30 -7:30 Homework and guitar practice
7:30 -8:00 Bath time....and I have to wash and dry hair, comb it out and blow dry if needed
8:00 -8:30 Story time
8:30-9:00 Get backpacks and paperwork ready for next day, prepare snacks, fill water bottles and straighten up the house
9:00 - 10:00 catch up on House things to do...water flowers...take dog for quick walk around the house...call girlfriend....catch a telenovela in between reading blogs, organizing picture albums...
10:00-11:00 still work on picture organizing, made menu for the week and grocery list while web surfing, answering emails, interrupted with sick child.
Finally, sleep...

What I couldn't possibly detail were the moments....

While cooking dinner...I danced with my daughters and my dog....
When doing homework... I tested my daughter on spelling words and my other daughter read me a story in Spanish
While practicing guitar...the other daughter danced....
While combing out their hair.....we talked about hairstyles and the importance of being kind to people and praying for a sick friend
At 10:40pm my littlest one woke up crying because she had a nightmare....and a 102 degree fever...told a story about purple lizards with butterfly wings to console... but definitely warrants a trip to the doctor in the am...

Yes, there are some typical days or nights for me, but the moments, they take my breath away.

Just saying.....

2009-04-24T22:27:00.006-04:00

You ever know when someone is taking you for a ride? No, not that kind really but the kind where you want to believe what they are saying or what they are selling but deep down in your soul you know it's not true and that person has other intentions? Other motivations?

But you go for the ride....reluctantly, you go....because you want to see where it takes you and because you want to have faith in them, in their words and in your own ability to recognize it for what it is and anticipate the fall. You think you know yourself well enough to not falter in the exact moment that they disappoint. Instead of seeing them through rose colored glasses, you see them for exactly who they are. Human, imperfect, flawed. When do you walk away?

Inherently you want to believe, you want to because that person lives right underneath your skin. But invariably, they hurt you, not because they are imperfect like everyone else, but because your conviction in them takes a bashing with each contradictory action. Two Spanish sayings come to mind.

There is always something lost in translation, but I think you will get the idea.

"Arbol que nace doblao, jamas se endereza" - "A tree that is born crooked, cannot be straightened"
"No puedes pedirle a un Olmo que te traiga Peras" - "You can't ask an Oak tree to become a Pear tree"(or to bear fruit)

At times like these, I want to sit underneath tall trees near a quiet creek and contemplate the twists and turns to your stories and how they live in my mind. When I do, I wish you mercy. Mercy to understand that although your intentions may not be malicious, your actions still hurt people. I wish you peace and my sincerest wish is that I hope you find what you are looking for.

All is right and good...

2009-04-19T19:45:00.003-04:00

I had an amazing weekend, the kind that you actually relax a bit and enjoy, the kind the makes you think that all is right with the world.

I have a new car (Mazda CX-7, Red)
I have a hole the size of the Grand Canyon in my garage ceiling...thanks to a leaky pipe and fixed thanks to a wonderful ex husband
I planted all my spring plants this weekend including 9 hanging baskets...
My littlest one had one of her girlfriends sleep over
My oldest went to Tennessee to spend the night in the Tennessee Aquarium (...nope, I could not chaperone)
I went to a festival and my littlest one won two cakes..
I went to same festival and the oldest one cried her heart out because she did not win anything (and it truly hurt my heart to hear her cry like that)
I went to a dear friends house and gossiped, drank and watched a movie with other good friends
I went to another friends house and enjoyed dinner tonight, laughing and drinking tea with my girlfriend

Life is amazingly full and graciously simple... I am feeling ever so grateful... Here's hoping you find the same everyday...

Thank you....I think....

2009-04-13T20:47:00.001-04:00

While out running, or rather huffing to catch my breath and then walking, I felt someone in a car staring at my hiney. So naturally, I turn around and this total hippie man is smiling at me. I smile back because my instinct tells me to smile back, but I know he was just enjoying his view. I almost said something but then as he drives off, his bumper sticker said "Love your Mother" with a picture of the planet. A man after my own heart....

Una Alma en Pena

2009-04-01T22:23:00.003-04:00

Hoy siendo el primer día de Abril debe ser un día de chistes y de alegría y cumplí con esos rituales temprano en el día porque hice los chistes requisitos a mis compañeros de trabajo. Pero la realidad es que tengo una alma en pena y duele. Sé que estoy en medio de un cambio en mi vida, y es un cambio necesario pero muy doloroso para mí.

La mayoría del tiempo lo disimulo muy bien y me concentro en mis hijas que son mi rescate. Pero hay momentos como ahora donde el silencio anda por mi alrededor y no quiero que me acompañe. He tomado unas decisiones que pueden causarle heridas a otras personas y eso me pesa en el alma. Quizás me traen tranquilidad o me causan sentirme viva de nuevo pero al final de cuentas, afectan a otros y no se si mi conciencia me dejara vivir con esas decisiones, con esos pasos.

¿Cómo es que uno sabe si esta tomando los pasos debidos, si las llagas se están curando? No sé, ni lo sabré en el momento que pase. Lo que sí se... es que quiero cambiar de piel y de andar para ya hundirme en la soledad y disfrutar del llanto que me quita el peso de adentro.

Boogers...from a kid's perspective

2009-03-27T19:36:00.003-04:00

Hi XXXXXX

Can you get me some sweets? (swites). Don’t talk to XXXXX because she picks her nose (nows) and eats (ites) her boogers. Today when we were eating, she sneezed and snot came out of her nose and she didn’t get a tissue for a long time and finally got a tissue and wiped her snot off and she licked her fingers. It was disgusting.

Ay....what hidden lesson should I teach my daughter? If you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all... She apparently did feel some remorse or shame because when I mentioned it to her, I found it tore up in the trash and then I pieced it together.

Her father said that she probably has a nickname for the booger picking kid...in Spanish...we would call that other kid... "come moco"... translation...."booger eater"

Intentions and Actions - What is your compass?

2009-03-25T22:06:00.007-04:00

In a conversation with some friends today, we talked about how people do things in their life with good intentions. However, you are judged based on your actions. People like to have a good time, whatever it is feels good at that moment or people justify their actions by their own personal rationalizations.

How and when should people draw the line at having a good time? Is it a moral/ethical question? Is it when they could hurt themselves or other people? (think drugs) A druggie will justify their actions based on the fact that they are not hurting anyone but themselves, but really they are harming their bodies and causing pain to those who love them because eventually drugs harm our judgement which in turn could cause us to make bad decisions impacting other people. The group of friends that I was talking with think that those decisions have moral/ethical implications and make their decisions accordingly.

I have another group of friends that believe that sometimes people engage in actions because "it" (whatever that is) feels good and since life is lived just once, you should do what makes you happy or what brings you joy. Clearly, this is a more selfish or fun- loving approach based on your perspective and who doesn't want some fun in their lives? My personal opinion is that there should be more responsibility in actions that people take. I am not so much bent on the moral/ethical component of any actions that I take. However, when I look at my life, there are things that have brought me joy and when I have looked back, my intentions were not malicious but I did end up hurting someone, but I did it anyway because it just felt good. How do you proceed if you know that something may not turn out the way the you expect? or you fool yourself into thinking that you have it under control? Is it a maturity issue and you end up doing the "right" thing even though it's not the fun thing? Does every decision need to come down to moral or ethical deliberations? What is your compass?

Culture Clashes

2009-03-19T21:21:00.000-04:00

I know I am late, but I promise it's interesting or a ..."you so had to be there" moment. Well you know that we had to change the time a few weeks ago...to "spring" forward. I did that much like everyone else did, but what I got t0 witness in a grocery store still makes my tummy tickle because of the interaction between two people who could not have been more different.

I was standing in the grocery checkout line and there was a gentleman that was speaking with the cashier regarding the time change and I must describe the two individuals just so that you get a picture of how completely different they were. The cashier was what I would describe as an old southern gentleman, white hair, blue eyes, cheerful disposition and a beautiful cadence in his speech. He was speaking with a man of eastern descent, dark skin and hair, eyes as deep as they come. They were going back and forth about whether or not "we" lost or gained an hours time. The more analytical gentleman, keep analyzing and making mathematical calculations in the air to determine if in fact we lost or gained an hour. The kind cashier was clearly more happy go lucky regarding the change in time. The conversation lasted no more than 3 minutes but in the end, each tried to no avail to convince the other that we had either lost or gained an hour. When to my amusement the kind cashier said to the customer, "well buddy, whatever you decide you are either going to be one hour late or one hour early whichever way you look at it"

That's a true gentleman's way of saying "whatever floats your boat" and I absolutely love to see the interactions and acceptance between people who can be so different but very much the same.

Leprechaun Traps - For my Irish friends!!

2009-03-17T22:00:00.002-04:00

Surely one of you have had to participate or assist your children in creating traps for Leprechauns for one of your children's school events. Well of course, with today being St. Patti's day, I was last night working on a last minute trap for a Leprechaun that visits my daughter's school every year. I have two daughter's and if you do the math, this is my 5th Leprechaun trap.

Needless to say, I was not smart enough to recycle the other traps because...well...they never worked and caught the Leprechaun who left magic glitter everywhere in their classroom, turned chairs upside down and switched out books and materials between classmates. This year I was helping with another trap, more ingenious than the previous ones that never worked..... when suddenly I had a bad mami moment.

I thought in my head....if the Leprechaun is male...(isn't he always) can't we just throw a pair of pretty panties in a box and call it a day?

Warm Towels?

2009-03-14T21:27:00.005-04:00

I know, I know, this will come off as a filler post, but seriously I have some stuff to write about but really, I shouldn't. Not right now, I am just trying to get my head around some things that have been happening in the last week or so, please bear with me.

Today, as I am helping dry off one of my daughters after their bath, the conversation went like this.

Me: Here let me wrap this towel around you, it's really warm
Her: How did you do that? did you fart on it or sit on it?
Me: (after the laugh) I just took it out of the dryer

Seriously, where do they get these things?

Once upon a Time.....

2009-03-05T22:41:00.000-05:00

Often, I think that if I could tell my daughter's stories about my childhood I would do it here...in this format. See I am not a storyteller...my grandmother who raised me in Puerto Rico certainly was...she was also the town's "curandera" (medicine woman, but that is for another post).

You see I was raised by my paternal grandparents in Puerto Rico...San Lorenzo, to be exact and I lived...get this... in a 3 room yellow corrugated tin house. Seriously.... I know that you do not believe me. There was also an outhouse, a river in the back of the house that we used to wash our clothes and bathed in. No dust floors...but wooden slats where the chickens could be observed and heard underneath the house. Maybe I will post pictures so that you will believe me :)

But back to the story...my grandmother was a story teller. All life's lessons she taught me through stories. I remember one story that was short and sweet. She told me that once there was a sweet maiden that always bathed in the river near her home. The only people around were the sweet maiden's parents and siblings. However, this one time there was a "stranger" or someone that was passing near the river and saw the maiden as she bathed. My grandmother then asked me, what would I do, what body part would I cover if that happened. I don't remember what I answered...but I do remember her answer. She told me that the "sweet maiden" should slip under the water and most especially cover her breasts. Why? you ask? She said that the breast were gifts and the only real body part that changed over time so those would always be a gift to the person that you loved and no one else should have the privilege of viewing them. Point well taken Abuelita.... I can't confirm or deny if some "stranger" or undeserving soul got a view of these "gifts" but the lesson stayed with me nonetheless.

Another story that I have heard was one that was trying to explain fidelity and relationships between men and women. I don't remember the storyline well, but what I do remember is something about that at some point in a woman's life she will need to decide if she wants to be "the woman that her husband dreams about" or if she wants to be the "woman who can watch the man that she loves dream carelessly" I don't think I understood the message then...but I think if my interpretation is correct, she was telling me that wives must understand that men will dream about other woman but those moments are silent stolen moments, but that invariably as a wife "I win" because I can watch him sleep carelessly while he dreams of someone else. Seriously? Abuelita?

I get it, your intentions were benign, you didn't want to set me up for disappointment and you wanted me to feel like I had the winning hand if this ever did happen to me. But is it wrong to want the person that you care about to dream about you and only you?

Ay abuela...I am not sure how I would ever react if my daughters ever became the betrayed spouse...but one thing for sure....I hope to teach them how to maintain their grace and handle the situation with dignity and then....just maybe...how to slash his tires...

Dust Speckle

2009-02-22T19:51:00.003-05:00

...today while tickling my 7 year old until she is out of breath...

me: I'll stop when you tell me that you love your mama

her: I love my mama (panting and out of breath)......why do you always make me say say that?

me: because your brain is the size of a peanut and I want you to remember

her: then yours is the size of a dust speckle....

Did I mention her perfect comedic timing? Where she got it I don't know, nor can I take credit for teaching her anything about dust and speckles....

Mundane and Magical

2009-02-18T22:51:00.001-05:00

I am a guest blogger,check out my post there.http://www.micielitolindo.blogspot.com

Unrequited Love in 3rd grade and in Life....

2009-02-14T21:54:00.004-05:00

Do you remember a time that you had an unrequited love? I do, but I did not expect to see it through my 9 year old daughters eyes.

You see, Valentine's Day was celebrated Friday at school and while we prepared our bags of candy (pretzels, trail mix and M & M's), she asked if she could make a more than generous bag for her "friend" Bobby. Of course, was my answer, but I also asked her about what made Bobby so special. She said...."he talks to me alot, he makes me laugh and I like his blue eyes" As my heart pitter pattered, I thought about how close those simple observations about a 4th grade boy would probably turn out to be the same qualities she continues to seek out later in life.

I sat on her bed last night while she prayed her nightly prayers at which time she told me that Bobby likes someone else. Not a friend of hers but someone that she knows. A girl in another class with blonde hair and a name with rough edges to it. Her soulful dark eyes ached with sadness and the realization that it wasn't something she could change.

Ay....how to explain to her that this may be her first experience with unrequited love, but may not be her last. How when she gets older, she may run into more boys that don't have similar feelings and in the worse case scenario...the boy will like her best friend or already has someone else. How that person will unintentionally bruise her heart everytime she sees them with that other person or when she hears their name or plans that do not include her. How they will live beneath her skin, right next to her heart. How she can't change a person or their feelings, how she should look to grow emotionally even when she has had her 7th lesson in heartbreak. To continue to immerse all her feelings everytime ....because love when returned is immensely gratifying. But today....the only thing she needs to do now (and anytime in the future) is to walk with enough dignity to hide her heartbreak, wish them well and keep going. I am not sure if what she feels right now is quite as painful as what she will feel later on, but if she is the least bit lucky, one day it won't hurt anymore.

What I did talk about was how she must not interfere with "ditzy" and Bobby, that any self respecting girl would smuggle away her feelings because she is worth more than 2nd best. That one day Bobby will look at her dark eyes, caramel skin and long legs and kick himself because he will be much too short to even hold her hand, much less her heart.

Laughing in your dreams.....and what is in your heart

2009-02-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

I woke myself up recently with a good hearty belly laugh. I don't know that I was dreaming about, I certainly wish I knew what it was, I wish it was memorable, but what was notable was my laugh.

Friends will tell you that I do have a loud laugh, something that at times I am proud of and at times it causes me to be embarrassed. However, what baffles me about this laugh is that I woke myself up with it at around 2:38am. When I was younger I usually had pretty vivid dreams, and in the past year, I find that those dreams are returning. They are usually more mundane as I get older whereas, I remember my younger dreams having magical aspects.

It could be that I would dream of blue butterflies and mermaids surrealistically intertwined. I can also dream about the caramel creaminess of my daughter's skin and the luscious smell of an awesome cup of coffee. I think dreams help us communicate in a way that we eagerly dismiss in our daily lives -- that unspoken language of the spirit -- those dreams and sentiments that parallel what is in our hearts.

Join the Menagerie....

2009-01-28T22:13:00.003-05:00

For those of you that read the previous post (which no longer exists, by the way) yes, it was angry and it was fiery and it was about 10% me and 90% the anger...so I deleted it... Sorry, I hope that you all that don't know me will understand. I want to write about my life and things that upset me and those things that make my heart sing. However, I also did not want to scare you off. So as a compromise I did keep a portion of my previous post below, because really, I just like the visual. :)

So it's quite obvious that I have been in a funk...(geez, no post in 2 weeks)...and my last one was in Spanish about my single minded determination to cry myself to sleep. No,...I did not cut my wrists open, nor did I overdose, however, I have been prone to watch sappy telenovelas and secretly wish that I was the poor little peasant girl that won over the hot, romantic man's heart at the end. (it helped that he was also secretly rich and owned like 5 haciendas).

Thank goodness for children to keep you sane and going strong.... A few days ago, my littlest one was telling me all the animals that she would like as pets and I wrote them down, just because you will get a feel for her personality and why my girls feel like they are the salve of my soul. She wants a salamander, parrot, iguana and a chameleon. Oh, I forgot the two beta fish too. Where she promptly said "I promise not to strangle the fish this time" Here is child who at two years old insisted....well ...kicked and screamed..about wanting the family fish bowl in her bedroom. So she had the fish in her room and every day I noticed that there was some water splashed around and she could not quite explain why there was always water around the fish bowl. Well of course, one day as I go to feed the fish, I notice that one of them is floating... surely I thought...it was a "natural" fish death..it happens all the time right?

Well no, when I get the fish to flush down the ole commode, I noticed that this clearly has bulges and dents that appear to match my little ones hands exactly. ....yes, you got the visual right? Yes, my dear sweet little one, dipped her hand in the bowl everyday, unbeknownst to me (her very attentive mother) and finally "caught" that fish one day and held on so hard...that she "smushed" it to death. She never understood this at 2 and wanted another fish, but I could not bear the thought of her trying to catch and hold another fish until she understood that they belong in the water, are quite slippery to hold and are not for cuddling or ...squeezing for that matter. So yes, we did tell her the story, it's one of those family stories that will be passed down....and she may also get new fish soon.

Esta noche llorare....

2009-01-13T23:14:00.003-05:00

Esta noche llorare…y llorare por romper una amistad que me hacia daño,
Llorare porque tuve que ofrecerle felicitaciones a una persona, que hace apenas unos días atrás, me dijo que si tuviese que hacer la decisión de nuevo, no me hubiera contratado al salario que tenia,
Llorare porque tuve que fingir que estaba contenta por sus aclamos, pero como sentir admiración por una persona en la cual no tienes el cariño debido
Esta noche llorare porque espere dos horas en el frió por un autobús, el cual se cambio de ruta y yo era la única que no lo sabia
Esta noche llorare porque hace frió…y no el frió en ese sentido, sino frió que te rompe el alma
Llorare, porque cuando llegue a mi casa, ya mis hijas se habían dormido, y sus ojitos no me llegaron a ver
Llorare por la soledad, que me acompaña cuando no quiero verla
Esta noche, llorare porque se me quiebran mis sueños y ya no veo como hacer que vuelvan
Esta noche, llorare porque ya me falta el animo de seguir sonriéndome
Pero mañana es otro día en mi universo y por eso estoy muy agradecida…. pero esta noche…si …esta noche llorare…

More Than That

2009-01-11T23:01:00.006-05:00

I read an article that says that love truly fades away, what replaces it is habit, familiarity. How I wished that wasn't so, there's beauty and grace sitting across from the same person for the last 50 years. That's why we all buy into the marriage/family thing. As I delve head first into the new year, a new position, and the reality that I will be a single mom in 2009. I am still trying to figure out what went wrong, but readily accept that I am moving in the direction that is best for me and my family.

I like to think that love comes and goes like seasons and like seasons, it changes. For the first couple of years, (5 years for me) into marriage before you choose to have kids, life is fun, relaxed. That was Spring. You fall in love...you stay in love, life is uncomplicated, the relationship just grows, naturally. So you think.

Then Summer happens and who doesn't love Summer? You have kids, although at first the transition kicks your ass, it's an absolute adjustment, but so worth it. Who isn't amazed when looking or holding a new life? It gets even more delicious, you love them unconditionally and although the younger years has it's challenges, you stay in love due to the ties that bind you.

Then Fall follows where you get into a comfortable routine but you let that comfort slowly take over, and you just get caught up in life's everyday routine. The kids, their activities, school, friends, family obligations. Slowly, you disregard your relationship. See, I have heard, as everyone else has that, you should pay attention to the one you chose in life. You will naturally love and care for your children and all other things will fall in place.

Winter comes, your kids start to be more independent and you have finally learned to juggle. But in the end, winter takes it's toll and you have forgotten about that other person that could have completed your thoughts. That person that you married changed. Life happened, some things grew, some died, it changed. You change with it. The seasons are supposed to start again, and you build on what you had before. Hopefully, in your Spring, you found that you were highly compatible and that you truly adored the person you chose to go on the path of life with. That you were willing to change and grow with them, and they with you. Accepting that mistakes happened, apologize for them and then struggle and fight to get back to your Spring.

You would think that this would be easy for someone that you thought loved you enough to overcome their pride and really work towards building a relationship. Who else has seen your heart broken by circumstances or commercials? Who else has seen your body racked with pain trying to give birth to children? Who else has seen an attempt to collect barf with your bare hands from a sick kid at 2 am? Who else has seen you at your absolute best and your horrific worst?

Often times, though you just find that it's just damaged. Seriously flawed and you need more than someone to sleep in your bed again.

Wishes for the New Year

2009-01-06T19:17:00.009-05:00

Custom dictates that I should be focused on resolutions for this upcoming year, and I have some resolutions...but none I would post here, only because they are so predictable. What I really want for the New Year are things that would happen magically without any effort on my part. Kinda from my fairy God mother, or Los Tres Reyes, as it stands.

I want to talk to my childhood puppy and make him understand how much joy he brought to my young life
I want my hair to smell of lemon flowers
I want to spend 48 hours talking with my mother and asking questions that I have wondered about since I was 7 years old.
I want Camillias and Peonies to grow like weeds under my care
I want to say "Chapulin Colorado...este cuento sea ha acabado" to my future grandchildren and have them understand me
I want Mango trees to grow in Georgia
I want my father to know how much I adore him
I want my sisters to know how much I love them, truly love them
I want my brother to find a special someone, get married, have kids and carry on the family name...(he's the last of us, afterall)
I want my daughters to become intelligent, strong and compassionate women
I want to see blue butterflies again
I want fairies to be real
I want to be crafty
I want a Spanish guitar and I want to play like Paco de Lucia
I really do want the cuddles and kisses to last forever and ever
I want shoes that make me feel like Angelina Jolie
I want a cursing parrot
I want a hammock built over a river
I want a tin roof, just to hear the lullably of the rain on it
I want stock in the company that makes "Maja" soap
I really do wish there was life on other planets
I want polar bears to quit dying because of global warming
I want ________ to fall madly in love with me....in my next lifetime
I want Parrandas to happen in the United States on every Three Kings Day
I want to come to my daughter's rescue when their hearts hurt
I want to canoe on quiet, misty rivers
I want to play with my grandmother's hair
I want to be able to sing....really sing...
I want peanut butter M&M's to be non-fattening
I want my pre-baby abs
I want my Arroz con Pernil to be world-renowed, at least amongst my family and friends...wait...I think it already is... :)

Happy New Year!

Glimpses...

2008-12-28T14:14:00.005-05:00

As the holidays pass and we say goodbye to visiting family members and begin writing our New Year's resolutions, I sit and reminisce about the holidays and the glimpses of holidays that mark this and almost any Christmas holiday.

The fire in the fireplace....

Smell good candles....

Wrapping paper underfoot....

Twinkling lights and hot chocolate...

Christmas ornaments....

Peppermint and chocolate....

Holding mitten wrapped hands.....

Red noses, hats and scarves....

Coquito....

Pernil....

Arroz con gandules.....

Andres Jimenez....La Parranda...

Orange french toast....

Cafe con leche.....

Salty creme brulees'.... I promise, they were perfect on Thanksgiving...

Sleeping in....

Pillow talk...even if it's about cartoon characters...

Flannel pajamas...

Drunk Santas.....

Cold, gray skies......

Christmas movies.....

New movie releases......

Hugs and kisses.....

Dangly earrings....

Warm sweaters....

Thick socks.....

I love Christmas and it's memories are another reason that my heart beats....

Giraffe Nipples and National Geographic

2008-12-14T10:39:00.003-05:00

National Geographic and Animal Planet, what have you done to my daughters?

So as I lay down on a pretend massage table in my daughters playroom and they massage my back, I look to the right and what do I see? ..........peeking out from underneath the toy giraffe that they have....

A baby doll bottle...coming out of the bottom of the giraffe....while I am laughing, I am trying to compose myself to ask them exactly what this is because, quite honestly....the (ahem) bottle looks like something else.

So I calmly ask them what is was?

They said, the "nipples" where babies get milk from their mama like on Animal Planet and National Geographic...

What? Ay?

Dear Santa..... and a Wii.....

2008-12-09T20:12:00.007-05:00

Dear Santa,
"I have been a little bad and a little good. I have been swite and kind........."

This is the actual beginning of a letter to Santa that my 7 year old in 1st grade gave to me a few days ago before leaving on this business trip. Note that "swite" is supposed to be "sweet". Can I tell you how "buttery" this made me feel? First, because you gotta love the honesty.... she has been bad, but a little good. What does a 7 year old think is bad? The worst thing she has ever done is get in a "bit" of trouble for talking too much when her lovely (and patient) teacher is talking. Always telling me that if she would have "heard" her teacher, she would have stopped talking.

So yes, Santa, my girls have been bad...(whatever that is!) and they have made me angry and yes... it's really hard work live up to their expectations since they seem to think that I know all things and they adore me. One day soon.... their world will cease to revolve around me. They will realize that I am just their mama, the one that makes them take their vitamins, brush their teeth, say their prayers and never wear their red heels to church...but only to parties. The same mama that sings really badly while cooking dinner and makes them practice guitar instead of watching Animal Planet.

But Santa, they have been sweet and they have been kind. They have been the light of my life and my reason for being since the moment they were born. Sometimes Santa, I must confess that my heart feels like it will burst with the sheer pressure of that love, that connection to their spirit.

So Santa, I beg and plead...can you please bring them the Wii, before their world ceases to revolve around you too?

Creature Comforts or Comfort Creatures

2008-12-08T21:33:00.003-05:00

As I sit or (really lay) in a bed that is not mine, nor a room that houses any special memories, I long for my room, my bed, the smell of my daughters head on a nearby pillow.

I am in a hotel room...working on my real job stuff that helps me pay the bills and on my blog that provides me with an outlet. I think about the purr and pull of my cat that seeks the comfort of the curve of my back. I think about my sheets that have only been occupied by me and others that I care deeply about. I miss that and although this bed is more comfortable than mine...(geez, I can make 6 full body rolls in the bed and not fall off..) I still want my pillow, my comforter and my legs wrapped up with someone else's. Even if that means, that my legs are wrapped up under my dog that won't budge at night and a cat that purrs me to sleep.

Counting my Blessings

2008-11-28T20:15:00.004-05:00

I got an email/comment from one of my dearest friends in the whole world. You know the kind of friend that could blackmail you with your secrets and knows the true story behind that hiney bruise....... that kind of friend. Well, her comment and the fact that Thanksgiving was just yesterday, made me want to write the kind of silly (some serious) post that you see below....

Things I am thankful for...
For my health and that of my family...after all that is the one thing that money can't buy
For one of my girlfriends 17 year old daughter, being declared Cancer free after 2 years of treatment
For my 7 year old who was born with perfect comedic timing
For my 9 year old that was born to teach me what a beautiful soul looks like....
For Alejandro Fernandez and Matthew McConaughey.... in that order...
For my friends that have become my family
For the stars in the sky and the moon that follows me
For the genius’s that invented Google, Apple products and Jeans
For my heart that swells and shatters with emotions....
For music.... and for dance.
For argyle socks...
For all children, as they see the world through the most gorgeous light....
For paisley patterns
For sweet rain, salty oceans, still rivers and tall trees
For my dog who is always at my feet and my cat that reminds me that I have shit in my house
For seasons....
For dreams.... good and bad....
For birds at my window...
For books, journals, earrings and hair bows...(my9 year old would want me to say that)
For sparkly shoes and cupcakes...(my 7 year old would want me to say that)

Yes, I am thankful....

I hurt. It hurts. My heart aches, my soul crumbles.

2008-11-25T21:33:00.003-05:00

I had beautiful moments today...funny ones too! ...but nothing to fill the void right now. I had a crazy day with the culmination being that I blew an interview that I should have aced. I was unprepared because I had so many other things on my mind and tried like mad to keep myself focused on work and distracted from my "real" life.

I am sadly angry...is that even possible? It feels stupid to feel angry, then blame myself and then blame him. I try to stay occupied, busy, happy during the day, at work, with my girls, but when the night comes and I am left to my own devices...I crumble.

This happens when I realize that I am alone...and will be alone for an exceptionally long time.
It happens when I also realize that I have been alone all along.
It happens when I realize once again, that he holds my hand while he cuts me down.
It happens when the silence eloquently says all that you need to say.
It happens when I realize I don't have a choice anymore.

So here I am, in this place, with my dog at my feet, my cat purring, the hamsters stirring, and my daughters dreaming, as the loneliness smothers me.

Glimpses of Good ....everywhere

2008-11-22T20:59:00.005-05:00

As we approach the holidays, I notice that I see good everywhere and today I saw it over and over again. My first glimpse was while I was running errands today and one of them was to have my car tires checked for air, balance and alignment. So, I stopped by a shop and pulled by car in the garage where the shopkeeper, complimented me on my perfect car line up, apparently the "men" in the spaces next to me took 4 tries to get it right. As the serviceman attended my car, I got a view of his derriere, unsolicited, pants dragging down your ass views and missing one tooth to boot. But he called, me "darlin" and he didn't charge me for filling my tires with air and and told me that my car was fine and did not need a balance or an alignment. Well, thank you too darlin'.

I was driving back home when I saw this entire flock of birds flying across the sky in unison and diving and soaring through the sky. It was awe inspiring against the bluest sky and the most gorgeous leaf display...I saw another glimpse.

I saw a glimpse when I held my girlfriend's shar pei puppies and their puppy breath made me miss my dog and made me wish my daughters still smelled like newborn babies.

I saw a glimpse when my youngest daughter requested that I lay in bed and cuddle with her for five minutes. The kind of cuddle where she wraps her arms around my neck and legs around my waist..another glimpse of the good in life. I see it amd feel it everywhere.

Mornings...

2008-11-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

After a night of feeling sorry for myself and eyes that cannot betray my heavy sadness...I appreciate the light and curves.

Why Latinos Are Passionate

2008-11-15T19:45:00.010-05:00

Two nights of Spanish music...last night Latin Grammy's ...tonight Vina Del Mar....and two nights of hearing music and lyrics that make my heart swoon. Here are some verses contained in just the last 3 songs of the night. I have translated them, but again...there are some things that just don't translate well.

El frio de mi cuerpo pregunta por ti - The cold in my body is asking/looking for you
En la espera de verte llegar - Here as I wait for you to arrive...trust me it's sexier in Spanish
Desde el primer momento que te vi...te amo ...since the moment I saw you...I have loved you
Tus manos entre las mias....your hands interlaced with mine
Me muero si no te vuelo a ver...I would die if I could never see you again, again..cheesy in English, sexy in Spanish...what can I say?
Sere tu amante cuativo....I will be your captive lover...

Did I mention that the 3 songs were sung by a man?
....men who sing like this make me swoon with a school girls glee.... (even at my late thirty something...)

Who else makes me swoon?

Let me think....I once met and took a picture with Jeff Francoeur who plays with the Atlanta Braves...in the picture...you can see that I was tickled pink and could not contain myself. The picture is one of my favorites...I am giddy and it's SO obvious in the picture.
Jon Stewart from the Daily Show......he "dazzles" me with his witty, controversial sense of humor....plus...the graying at the temples?.....is a total bonus!

My absolute favorite...
Alejandro Fernandez...is there anyone more handsome than him?.... plus he sings. the. most.romantic. ballads....

Musica es....

2008-11-13T22:45:00.001-05:00

Esta noche aquí me siento viendo Los Grammy's Latino's y aunque hay mucha música que no me interesa, siempre me gusta oír de nuevo grupos y ver todos los vestidos. Pero lo mejor para mí era ver a Victor Manuelle cantando "Mi Salsa de Puerto Rico" me dio mucho orgullo y pues... si hay que decirlo... me gusta verlo mover sus caderas.....claro con mucho orgullo para nosotros los Puertorriqueños.

Mis hijas también tocan guitarra y le va bastante bien, ya tocan una canción que otra, están aprendiéndose una canción de Maná, pero también tocan, La Cucaracha, Amazing Grace y Simple Man y por ahora esta muy bien. Hay días que no les da las ganas de tocar porque quieren ir a jugar con sus amiguitas y tengo que entenderlas. Pero verlas con su guitarrita me da mucho orgullo y voy en busca de ese sonido de la guitarra que para mi es agua bendita.

Bad Dreams

2008-11-11T21:16:00.003-05:00

It's been two nights now that I had a nightmare that terrified me. It still shakes me to my core when I try to "analyze" the meaning of it, but really there was not much to it and was not a long-winded convoluted type of dream like the ones that I typically have. In this dream, my daughters were scared of something that they saw outside some windows. They were not windows to my house, and I did not seem to recognize where we were. I just know that as I approached the windows...there were things there that scared me and "they" tried their best to make me run, scream and hide and although I was terrified, all I remember is that I prayed "Padre Nuestro" and "Santa Maria" prayers over the screams of the "things" that were scaring the crap out of me. I know that I also thought that these things could break the windows at anytime and have their way with my daughters and me but they did not and I just kept praying until I woke up. Yes...I was terrified, but I got up and checked on my daughters just in case. Their profiles were lit up by the nightlights in the rooms, but they could not have looked more peaceful than at that moment while my heart was racing and I thank goodness for mercy.....allowing those to be just that...bad dreams.

Usually I have dreamless sleep with the exception of one dream that I have over and over again since I was a child. And I may "talk" about that dream in another post. However, on another night, I had a dream that I was in some foreign land and in some ancient times getting to know some kin in some type of country store.... don’t ask me too much because that one has already faded. The point is that lately, particularly in the last few months, I am having many dreams including ones with shocking colors and sensations so vivid that I wake up partially convinced that it was not a dream.

I like having dreams again...it seems that I am supposed to be receiving some messages from them and I am pretty superstious so I hope I try to analyze them but in regard to those nightmares...please. stop. Because those.... they are just scary.... and I apparently felt the need to pray the Padre Nuestro (Our Father) and Santa Maria (Hail Mary) in English and Spanish because...I apparently did not know in what language those things could understand my prayers and pleas to leave us alone.

My last roses of the fall

2008-11-09T14:49:00.003-05:00

Here are my last roses of the fall.....simply beautiful, simply perfect...

Why Limon Partido?

2008-11-06T22:15:00.006-05:00

I wanted to explain why I chose this name for my blog because although I have been apprehensive about why I chose such a name. For those of you that don't speak Spanish, it means "broken lime". Yes, I know it doesn't make sense. In Spanish there is a fairly popular children's song that begins as "Naranja Dulce, Limon Partido, dame un abrazo que yo te pido...."

Well keep that in mind and just to complicate it even more when you are part of a couple, typically in Spanish you can refer to your other half as "mi media naranja" which = "my half of an orange" or equivalent to my "better half". Well the other half of the song talks about that orange turning sour like a lime and being broken. It's complicated and doesn't make sense in English...but if you are bilingual and you grew up singing the song...you get it.

Well, just a little about me if you don't already know, I am a late thirty something woman who has two daughters, who was/is married to her husband for 14 years. However, my husband and I are separated and divorce does not seem that far away. So hence, the Limon Partido description. I know that comes off as rather matter-of-fact, but I have gone through all the phases that typically make up a grieving process. I have denied, bargained, dealt with guilt, been angry (and sometimes I still sit in this place) , until finally I resigned myself to the fact that I have to accept that I failed at marriage.

So this blog, was began with the intention to help me deal with all the emotions that come wrapped up with a woman facing divorce. I have always been appreciative of the world around me and have been grateful for what has been my life. But these last six months were too lonely without trying to find words or meanings in my everyday happenings to keep my mind focused on the task at hand. I see my task as teaching my daughters through example that as I move forward, a woman can be strong and handle this kind of life altering event with grace and dignity. They also are extremely lucky because they have the best father in the world. He loves them beyond all measure and is always present for them on top of being just an amazing man.

Their father and I have had long discussions making sure that we keep our daughter's best interest at heart and do nothing to destroy that part of our relationship. I think it's too easy to hurt someone that you once loved so much and before things got really ugly or we hurt our notion of what marriage was supposed to be, we both decided that we would be better off to walk away. Some may say that you struggle and fight to keep a marriage alive, but I also believe there are times that the wounds are so deep, that to keep trying to work it out would be constantly salting that wound.

So there it is, the reason for my blog title and all there is to know about me right now. Many of our mutual friends do not know about our divorce and it seems that life will get more isolated for me. I know that friends and family will all have their opinions and wonder what went wrong, all will offer support and a shoulder to lean on, but from here on out, it's different, we are different and that invariably changes some relationships. I am ok with that because I see it coming and hopefully my chronicles about my life will keep me focused on something other than feeling guilty, finding fault, pointing fingers or feeling sorry for myself.

Consciousness vs. Instincts

2008-11-02T21:48:00.009-05:00

I've been trying to get a good picture of a silly, persistent bird that has been pecking at my basement window and my tall living room windows for about a week now. She pecks and pecks and flies into the window every day. At first, I noticed that I have one of those faux (fancy word for fake, folks) trees and I figured that if I move the fake tree out of my basement window, she would give up and go try to find a tree to nest somewhere else. Her instincts must be telling her that she has found a prime piece of real estate and needs to find a way into my tree. Well, she hasn't...and besides messing up the windows with smudges and crap...she really is hurting herself.

So I rolled the blind down in the basement so that she is no longer confused by my fake tree. But to no avail because she now believes that she can get into my house by pecking at one of the upper level windows in my living room (picture). I am not sure what has intrigued this bird or if she had bumped into my windows so much that she no longer is conscious of what she is doing. (Birdbrain...in every sense of the word)

So as I type this I am bemused. I believe that humans excel in consciousness and animals are superior with their instincts. Sometimes, I wish I was more instinctual and I think about how much simpler life would be.

My conscious would not ask me questions for which I don't know the answers. I would stop believing that the world sends me magical signs of which way to go or the meaning of things. I would not light candles at night for my family and friends because I believed that there is a greater being than us out there. I would not worry about what was unexplainable; just wholeheartedly believe in what was undeniable. If I were not prone to obsessive thoughts, or raging self-doubt, would I be a better person? If my instincts had greater hold of me, I would be able to accept things as they are and not try to fight them. My mind would make decisions purely based on genetic code based on million of years of adaptation and adjustments to the environment around me.

However, I like consciousness, I like being a human being that can belly laugh one moment and fall into a puddle of sadness the next. I love that I have the consciousness to appreciate smell of rain in the air, the feel of my dogs silky ears, the touch that makes me quiver, the taste of fresh mango, the contentment I feel when I see the color green, the sound of my daughter's laughter. As a human being, I can stockpile and accumulate these feelings and sounds in my consciousness to feed my soul in a moment that drowns me.

Red and Runaways

2008-10-30T21:57:00.010-04:00

Today, my friends are calling asking for new posts but I'm not inspired and who knew this blog reading thing would become addictive. I have my moments you know, yesterday my red maple trees outside kept calling my name, wanting, begging me to take pictures of her (yes, her) so that I would not miss the moment in all her glory, all her leaves red as a matador's cape. But alas, the camera was tucked away on my kitchen counter and my dog escaped and was terrorizing other dogs in the neighborhood. Surely, my neighbor's dislike me every time I scream my dogs name willing her to come back with promises of doggie treats and belly rubs. I think that they (nice folks that they all are) think that I should fence in my yard and they don't say anything more than "that dog runs real fast". But something about fences, cages, and closed spaces in the outdoors does not make sense to me. I like wide-open spaces, no borders, free will to come and go, it's liberating. I also know that she comes home when she is good and tired and there is nothing that I can offer from my lockbox of tricks or treats that she would rather have when she can feel the wind press her ears back to her head and run. I too, would become wary of quickie (ahem) rewards.

I bet you that is what that bull thinks too ...he rages every time he sees the pink cape and then the red cape...he charges and though he is fenced in there is nothing more than he would like than to see open spaces around him so he can run instead of fighting. The bull-fighting season runs from March to October and although I don't agree with the sport, I agree that culturally there are things that just define a culture and this is one of those things. So hasta mañana, mi amigo, el Toro...your season ends tomorrow in Spain and trick or treats will be all the rage here across the ocean.

Ten things That Make Me Sad

2008-10-27T20:39:00.004-04:00

10. The "Who Can I Sue.com" billboard that I see everyday on my way in to work
9. Not ever being able to solve a Rubik's cube on two sides at once
8. Big cars driven by small Napoleon-like people
7. Constantly missing the smell of salt carried by ocean winds
6. Small talk at parties that begin with...."So what do you do?"
5. Ridiculous juxtapositions such as Chinese factory workers earning less than $1.00 USD a day, making toys (albeit, with lead paint) for obnoxious birthday party giveaways
4. Sarah Palin being hailed as "revolutionary" for carrying her baby around in a "papoose" while campaigning. Sure, any working mom knows that we can't do that and still be "respected" at work
3. Adults or children with "entitlement mentalities"
2. Any type of mass mistreatment of other people or cultures, which are truly, camouflaged "ethnic cleansings"
1. Caged birds

Economic Plea to the Toothfairy

2008-10-26T22:57:00.002-04:00

My daughter wrote this note to the toothfairy this morning...they are saving up for dwarf hamsters...but pulling out loose teeth to get to their goal quicker?

Bonfire Nights

2008-10-26T10:18:00.007-04:00

Saturday night....

Shiraz......too much...really....

Smore's.....

Bonfire...

Good friends...

Kids up much too late...up way too early...

C'est la Vie

Sancocho and the Rain

2008-10-24T19:58:00.005-04:00

Can you believe it? Two rainy Fridays in a row, but I like the rain. Especially at night, most especially when I don't have to work the next day. Yes, I rushed home from work today knowing exactly what I wanted to cook for dinner. Sancocho...Puerto Rican style, which is like a chicken stew which is a treat for your soul on days like today.

So I came home and peeled some yautia (a potato like root), some calabaza and cut up chicken breast with olive oil, sofrito and some other typical seasonings. I put on my salsa music and my "delantal" (apron) and proceeded to cook for about an hour and a half, preparing my Sancocho and chocolate mint brownies (from scratch) for dessert. I then cut up limes, green onions, and cilantro for the final touches on the Sancocho. I was cooking because one of my girlfriends and her family was coming over for dinner. We usually sit and drink our tea and talk. I don't even know what we talk about half the time, but we laugh until we are in tears and then we eat and we go back to our respective homes. It's a tradition now...on Fridays, I am either at her house or she is at mine and we take turns cooking for each other. I like the comfort in that, the surety that we will get together and that all is right in the world when we laugh until we cry.

Fleeting moments, good, bad and pro choice

2008-10-23T20:50:00.010-04:00

Birthdays…both of my daughters had birthdays this month and usually they have one big party and then, I have a smaller intimate celebration on just their actual birthday and they know that they are not officially any older until the exact hour and minute that they took their very first breath outside the comfort of my womb. They know this and really anticipate that exact hour and minute asking "Mami...ya?" or "I only have 2 more minutes until I turn "insert number here". It's some crazy way to hold on to them and make them think that it's not an actual day that it's important...but a moment....that is ever so fleeting and precious, no matter how brief. That moment changes you.

It's obvious that when you are expecting a child, as new parents you don't know quite what to expect, other than "we are having a baby". No one...I really mean it...no one could have prepared me for the way my life changed after my children or even the daily in's and out's with them.

I have friends that have chosen not to have children for very personal reasons and I think "thank goodness" for that kind of clarity of thought. They are aware that in as much as babies, families are glorified...they certainly are full of challenges which range from breast milk vs. formula all the way to their kids later smoking pot (or insert other vice) in the school parking lot....are not things that they want to deal with. I respect that.

I also have friends that struggle, wish, hope and try and try again for a child and I ache for them. Children can be a magical blessing (cliché, I know), regardless of how or when they arrive for families that know and accept that life will change in a moment in ways that you can't even fathom. Your heart will expand with emotions such as joy, fear, worry, pride and yes, later anger and disappointment when they refuse to listen, won't share their toys with siblings or when the spaghetti sauce gets thrown all over the expensive fabric blinds in the kitchen.

(Plus I hear those "tween" "teenage" years are a #&^% but nothing a Latina mami with a chancleta, can't take care of)

I guess my point is that besides being pro choice, sometimes things happen in a moment...some moments change your life in ways that you could never foresee and they are exceptional moments that warrant taking time to pause, reflect and cherishing. Other moments are complete, idiotic, "WTF were you thinking" moments and those.... they completely need to be forgotten, forgiven...

Mis Boquitas de Caramelo

2008-10-20T20:46:00.001-04:00

Como toda madre amo a mis hijas, adoro el color de su piel, el olor de sus cuerpecitos, la textura de sus cabellos, y la redondez de sus cachetes. Sus boquitas de caramelo son mi rescate diario, y ya pronto llegara el día que ellas no querrán darme besos y me negaran su cariño. Uno siempre piensa que cuando nacen esas pequeñas criaturas que uno no podría amarlas mas que en ese momento en que ellas son vulnerables y pequeñas.

Con el pasar del tiempo aprendes que estas personas en miniaturas son tan distintas a ti y a tu pareja que son el perfecto misterio y las ama mas todavía. Si claro, mis hijas también me acaban la paciencia pero sé que mis días sin ellas serian tan absurdas pues ellas son la razón de mi vivir.

Joy - A la mexicana

2008-10-19T20:22:00.004-04:00

The wind rustling via these "papel picado", the colors and today's activities make me grateful for my everyday life and how my world goes 'round.

What rainy, cold days do to me....

2008-10-17T17:24:00.005-04:00

Rainy, gray, cold days like today make me want....

...to crawl under the blankets and twirl my toes
...to curl up on the sofa with hot tea
...to be kissed until I ache
...to feel the rain on my skin
...to watch a funny, laugh out loud movie
...to cry until my eyes swell shut
...to sleep, to dream, to laugh, to hold

I love rainy days.

October light

2008-10-16T21:40:00.005-04:00

OK, you are wondering what these are...they are mini terraniums that have Venus Fly Traps plants in them as one of the giveaways for my daughter's birthday party this weekend. Also, I love the way the October light comes in on these, but if my family in Puerto Rico knew that I have these perfect glass jars "wasted" on "una porqueria de mata" they would be upset and accuse me of being so very "americana"...all behind my back, of course

Sleep is for the weak

2008-10-15T20:13:00.012-04:00

I needed this afternoon siesta, but remind me next time I volunteer for a field trip event at school that sleep is for the weak. I volunteered on a class field trip today with my 3rd grader and have always had a fond appreciation of teachers, aware that they spend all day with children and that are many days that my daughters wear my patience thin. But today gave me a deep seated respect and awe for the energy, discipline and self control that they have to practice each and every day. My control factor is that I get to discipline my children, I can't imagine saying "Johnny, please stop" and begging someone else's kid to be obedient. (bless their heart) But it really does not work like that in my house...my girls get several warnings, and then I get all "ghetto latina" on them. They know the threat of the "chancletazo" or "cocotazo" well. For those of you who may not be familiar, the first one is where you literally take off your shoe (typically, some type of flip flop) and the second one is where you use a quick knuckle on the head to get their attention.

On this field trip we were only "responsible" for several other children. So you would think for an "experienced" mother, this would be a piece of cake. I was so wrong. There were 3 boys right next to me, making fun of my daughter and two of her friends because they were playing "patty cake". They were having a great time but they were exhausting and all I kept thinking is that if I were a teacher, they would be familiar with "cocotazos" and I would be that one drunk ass teacher....you know the one.

As the tides follow the moon....

2008-10-14T21:20:00.000-04:00

As I woke up this morning, I noticed that we had a full moon which never lets me sleep peacefully and as I walked my dog this evening, the moon was just glorious and cause for reflection, as the moon always invokes that in me.

I know that many things are driven by moon cycles, turtles come to shore to lay their eggs, women notoriously go into labor around a full moon (ask any nurse!) and most notably the tides in the ocean follow the moon, silently and with graceful, flowing steps. It made me wonder what do I follow silently or what am I invariably attracted to with no logical or explainable reason. The two things that came to mind are water and trees. I am naturally attracted to the sound of water, it soothes my soul. Growing up I had a river in my backyard, seriously, a big river and we took baths in the river or washed our clothes there, (or for those of you familiar with the old "palangana" in Puerto Rico, we used those on the days that might have been too cold) I think it was those baths, those childhood memories of jumping into the river from a huge rock and the subsequent muffled sounds around you while you are deep in the water that I run to in my mind when I am in doubt or need reassurance. The trees are grounding, they keep me focused, they are like a safe harbor, a refuge, a sanctuary.

The other thing is that I have always "followed" or seek out are those really quiet, mysterious people either in high school or college, or even now, I stalk people like that. You know, the quiet guys, the quiet, kinda cool girls, some of the really "smart" kids, those kinds. Anyway, I don't know why I am intrigued by them, I just kinda was and still am. However, over the years, I have also learned that they were quiet because they were...well kinda crazy, psycho, ..or really had something to hide or were truly boring. I now worry about people like that, they frighten me, they have secrets, they don't share, they don't show any emotion, they constantly are at a slow simmer and I would rather have the full boil of emotions and get to know the real deal about people. But yet, yet...I am one of those people and I follow those quiet, secretive types like the tides follow the moon.

Bliss...How do you define?

2008-10-13T10:30:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was one of those blissfully happy weekends, things to do, places to go like hayrides, apple cider, bike rides, leaves changing colors, bobbing for apples, in other words, picturesque.

Until, I was driving home from a fall festival with my daughters in the backseat, they were talking about the pumpkins we picked out and I bought another scarecrow, as I just have one which is torn and tattered. I usually like to listen to what they say and plus….I have my radio on and they are not asking me to change my playlist to something akin to bubble gum pop. They were discussing the new scarecrow and Lola made the statement that this one was female, when my quiet, sweet and softspoken Chabelli, proclaims, …”Oh good, so now they can mate”

Apple cider almost spewed all over my dash….
In other words……perfect bliss